I'll Stop for One

Every time I return from Haiti, I am overwhelmed by the amount of orphaned children I see and the conditions with which they live in. My heart breaks for every sweet child that takes my hand, every hungry tummy I rub, and every tear I wipe saying, "Jesus, LOVES YOU." In Haiti, children are everywhere. You can't walk outside without 20-40 little bodies running up to you craving love and attention. They may be filthy, hungry, unclothed, thirsty, but always have a HUGE smile on their face. One day last week while I was in Haiti, I had the opportunity to walk along a river that ran through a very poor village. For the time I walked through I prayed over each piece of land my feet touched and all the people I saw. I claimed Haiti for Jesus! It takes me a few minutes to take in the conditions these people live in as I fight tears that flood my eyes and the sickening feeling that rises in my throat. No sanitation. No clean water; they drink the same water they bathe in and wash clothes in. Naked malnourished bodies. Protruding bellies from worms. No access to medical care. Not much of a house. Rice and Beans everyday. A lack of love.

As I walked along, I scooped up a tiny little boy and he wrapped his frail arms around my neck. His huge belly made it hard for me to hold him. It growled and I knew he was hungry. I loved on him holding him close. His grip was tight around my neck and he did not want me to put him down. I carried him the ENTIRE walk along the river trying to get a few giggles out of him as I twirled him around and squeezed him tight :)

The Lord began to speak to me as I walked. Part of my was so angry at the tremendous suffering these children were having to face and I was overwhelmed by the amount of children and orphans there were. I believe God created the universe and He did not create too many children in His image. I wanted to do something. I wanted to help them ALL. I wanted to feed every hungry belly and get medicine for every sick body. I wanted to bathe them, clothe them, give them a place to sleep, but most of all, share the LOVE of Jesus with them. But God whispered, "One is enough. Stop for just one," because as I do it for one of "the least of these," I do it for Him (Matthew 25:40). He taught me an incredible lesson that day- "To stop and help the person in front of me, and trust him with the rest." I am such a people person and I want to give everything I have and find myself wanting to help everyone and every orphan. I get discouraged when I look at how many orphans there are or how many sick kids or how many starving bellies that I see the word "impossible" and forget who my Savior is. The heartache is too much at times and then I don't even know where to begin or where to start helping. I look at myself thinking, "How can "I" make a difference or change this situation?" The first thing Jesus whispered is, "Take the "I" out and replace it with "We"...You can't but "We" can!" He told me that I could smile and stop worrying because there was one less baby that needed love that day. One less orphan that was hungry. And at the end of the day he reminds me to trust Him with the rest. This was a huge lesson for me because I was constantly facing the statistic's of how many more I'm not helping, I'm not touching, I'm not feeding when I stop for just one. But it is enough for ONE to feel that eternal love!!

I do it for Jesus! He loved me first and I am going to love Him back. Sometimes it hurts and it's not easy but I remember "Do not forget in the darkness what you have been promised in the light." It is my privilege, not only to believe in Jesus but to suffer with Him (Philippines 1:29)

Therefore, "A life changed is worth it, even if only one. God's love made known is worth it, even if only to one. I can't help them all but I will keep trying. I will say "YES." I will stop for one."

Jesus, become my "EVERYTHING!"

I often wonder why when I return to the states I feel such complete culture shock? How can I feel such a disconnection from the place I was born and raised and live?? How is it that it is so hard to "fit back in??" so to say. There are many things that make it difficult...

American extravagance.

Such things as the grocery store. This sounds silly but coming back it is so hard to step foot into one. The variety of choices and the convinece we have here in America. They sit on each corner; they are everywhere.

The clutter in our lives.

The ease with which we receive medical care and are able to get medicine.

The lack of thanksgiving on the part of us all.

While all of these things make it difficult to readjust, the biggest shock that I face is I find myself stepping out of my reliance on God to meet my needs. It is almost like I "miss" Jesus. He hasn't disappeared of course or gone anywhere, He is still right next to me, but I step out of my reliance on Him. Here, our lives can actually "function" without Him and they do. In Haiti, the people have to rely on Jesus for everything. They depend on Him to provide food for them to eat and clean water to drink. There lives aren't cluttered with meaningless things. When I'm sick I make a doctor's appointment or go to the nearest drugstore and get some OTC med that I hope will make me "better." When I am hungry I make my way to a refrigerator stocked full of food and take my pick of what I want. There isn't just one choice but many. If I'm sad or lonely I call a friend or run to my roommate. When I'm tired, I go crawl in my warm bed for a great night of sleep. If I need to go somewhere, I get in my car. If I'm bored, I make plans.

This is why I feel so disconnected. I keep forgetting to ask God to heal me, to fill me, to let me drink of the living water where I will never thirst again. I forget to ask him first for strength, peace, guidance, and comfort when I'm sad or lonely. I have to "schedule" times to pray, such as when I rise in the morning or at night instead of being in constant communication with Him like I was in Haiti. In Haiti, they are "physically" poor and completely dependent on God, but "spiritually" they are as healthy as ever.

My prayer is for balance in my life. I don't want to be so completely dependent on "stuff" that I forget about my savior who gave EVERYTHING for me.

In the quietness of HIS presence.

Where to begin? Well before I start with all the wonderful stories of Haiti I want to share one of the main things God taught me while I was there. This mission trip was definitely different than any other mission trip I have been on and over the past nine days God took a deep hold of my heart and began to recreate it into what He desires. As I was preparing for Haiti I had a plan; I hate to say it but I was looking for an experience while helping the sick and hungry in villages and slums. I prayed for the Lord to place me in life-altering situations where I could give all that I had to help anyone in need. I wanted to be emptied out of all my hugs and kisses and compassion. While He did this, He also had another plan; He has something else in mind. Even though it was different from "My plan" or what "I desired," God drew me so much closer to Him. He taught me to rely completely on Him when I am placed in situations where He is ALL I have. At the beginning of this trip I was at a place of uncertainty, I didn't go with anyone I knew, I felt so alone. I was facing feelings of "How could God place me in a country I so desperately loved and cared for and longed to help and then leave me feeling so alone and abandoned with no one physically to run to??" I didn't have the closeness of having a team or my best friend by my side. I went with a desire to make a difference and in the quietness and stillness of my Jesus, He began to teach me how to trust Him completely. He would whisper, "Lauren, I am in control. I know what is best." It seems like such a simple Christian principle but God is in absolute, complete, and sovereign control. While I felt that I lived in a vacuum of aloneness and impossibility, I had to trust that God was in control. For the past 9 days I was in complete dependence on my savior just like the people of Haiti have to rely in complete dependence on Jesus to provide a meal for them to eat or clean water or healing in their sick bodies. Every time I wanted to run to someone to help make sense of my feelings and cry, I depended on prayer and the shoulder of Christ. Every time I walked through the villages of Haiti and starving, malnourished children would grab my hand and cry out for food, all I could rely on was "God is in control. God will provide." Every time I felt so inadequate to perform any task the Lord had called me to in Haiti, I learned to lean on the Lord for Him to provide. I learned that He has a way of using ordinary, inadequate people. In Haiti God was asking me to reach a little higher while He was stretching me farther, even when I wanted to give up and felt I couldn't go another day. I simply learned to trust Him and then He gave me everything I needed to do the "more" He asked of me. The "more" He was asking was to sit in His quietness and be still. To trust Him when things aren't as I had planned. To turn to Him and Him only when feelings of inadequacy, self-worth, and loneliness start to creep in. He was asking me to step out in faith into situations I felt I couldn't handle. The Lord was teaching me to be like Mary with courageous FAITH and an OBEDIENT heart. She submitted to the Lord regardless of what it would cost her even if it meant losing her reputation and the man she loved. God uses ordinary people. Just like he used Moses a murderer, a shepherd just trying to mind his own business and move on with his life when he watched a bush catch fire and not burn up. God wanted to use him to lead His people out of Egypt. And of course Moses was human and told God He had the wrong guy. God used Jonah, an ordinary fisherman. He used David, a shepherd boy. God uses ordinary, inadequate people to accomplish what He desires.

I learned that I am...

Dependent.

Powerless.

Weak.

Learning this placed me in a beautiful place where I couldn't go one minute without being in constant communication with my beautiful savior. In Haiti I was stripped of everything that was comfortable. I wasn't in the crazy, busy society of the US but I was in a society where time was not important. I was in a place where once the sun came up at 5:45am the main task/priority for the day was to find food to feed the family. And for this the people of Haiti rely completely upon the Lord. I looked into so many hopeless and broken eyes this week that my heart sinks into my stomach when I think about it. I was learning that the powerless, broken, dependent place was actually the place the Lord was closest to me. I was seeing that it was easier to cling to Jesus in the state of being alone and living in a society that had nothing than it was to live in the abundance of America. Although I personally was never hungry or in need while in Haiti, I was in the midst of a world that was and I was realizing I was thirstier than ever. I was thirsty for the place of complete dependence upon my sweet savior. I was hungry just to be in the quietness and stillness of His presence, away from the clutter and consuming society of America. Every minute while in Haiti, I prayed. I prayed over every piece of land my feet touched, every village I walked through, and over every malnourished little body that placed their hand in mine. Knowing, believing, and trusting, that my God is capable of healing much brokenness is all I needed.

And now let's take a journey to Haiti...

Wow, I can't believe it is almost Christmas. Time just flies by. Over this past week I have definitely felt a whole array of emotions. I began to journal and the more that I write, the more I realize how much of a crazy and difficult past year this has been. I have had so much change; at times too overwhelming. I've been so emotional and at times I have no idea where it is coming from. I began to pray and fast and truly seek the Lord over these past few weeks and He has shown me so much; so many things I want to take a minute to share.

This past year my life has been craZy...

I graduated from Nursing school (definitely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life! But praise the Lord I made it!); Passed my state board exams; interview after interview for jobs; started a new job; night shift (if you know me this should explain a lot of the emotion, haha. I am so not a night person); on my own as a nurse (scary!); went to Haiti and had the most life-altering experiences; went through a break-up; got into a wreck; totaled my car; had to get a new car which then means car payment; multiple doctor appointments; need jaw surgery; London got sick and had to take her to animal ER; loans from school; in the next few weeks i'll be moving...again!; going back to Haiti in two weeks (Yay!); will be leading a group to Haiti in April; and so much more.

And I say all this to say, God is good! There were a lot of good things and tough things but the majority was stressful and has played a significant role in my life over the past year. There were times that I felt so low (even recently) and my heart felt so heavy and my faith was lacking and doubt creeped in. There were so many things I didn't understand and still don't. There were so many times that my anxieties got the best of me. But I look back and see how far I have come and how much I have grown. There is no way I could have made it through all of this without the Lord's help and His favor. There were definitely times I wanted to give up but I had to remember that "My God is enough. My God loves me and my God is with me wherever I go!" I would remember Isaiah 30:20 "Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink He will still be with you to teach you. You will see your teacher with your own eyes." God expects a lot from us and many times following Him can be painful; but He ALWAYS acts out of His love for us. I realized that in difficult times I must listen to what God wants to teach me. God was showing me His love by patiently walking with me through adversity.

John 10:27 "My sheep know my voice. I know them and they follow me."

These past few weeks as I mentioned earlier have been tough. Night shift at work definitely takes it out of me and being chronically tired doesn't help my emotions either. My roommate shared a BEAUTIFUL passage with me this past week and for all you girls that have gone through relationships, this is for you :)

"While it is true that there are things every adult can do (married or not) to be more attractive in myriads of ways, there is no guarantee that a trimmer figure, a more confident conversational style, or better job will be worthy of an eternal reward. However, if we think of each individual who crosses our paths as a beloved sister or brother in the Lord about whose care and treatment we will give an account to Jesus one day- this radically alters everything.

It means dating is no longer a zero sum game that results in a littered landscape of broken relationships and cut-off communication. It's not whether boy gets girl. It is whether we can look Jesus in the eye and say, "Thank you for the time you gave me with this person. I did my best to encourage and pray for this individual while I knew him/her. I loved without fear of loss because I wanted to be like you. So by your grace, I did my very best to build up this man/woman and return him to you with thanks for the gift of this relationship." Because even if we get married, that is also what we have to do for our spouses.

When I read this, I thought "How beautiful and so true!" It gives you a whole new outlook on dating and relationships and the people in your life. It helps change your mindset from heartbreak and unsettled emotions to praise and glory to Jesus for the time you had to show His love and move on to more of what He has in store! :)

I am praising God and looking forward to a brand new year...2012!!! I want to be life-changing, life-transforming, and life-altering! I want to LOVE and GIVE more than I ever have. I want to step into the purpose God has for my life. Will you step into yours??

Beauty to Unveil!

I pulled out my book "Captivating" and the Lord really spoke to my heart. This is for you my girls :) Remember your value and the "masterpiece" you ARE ;)

As women we have such a "desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are." We want to be captivating in who we are. The longing to be beautiful, the longing to be loved, to be pursued. These desires and longings we feel is God trying to tell us what it means to be a woman. He is trying to let us in on the life he meant for us to live; a life that is so much bigger than we can even imagine; a life full of purpose and happiness. We get so discouraged sometimes when we try to fill our own desires and not take time to understand what God is trying to tell us.

"It is not good for man to be alone'" -Genesis 2:18
When we read the story of Adam and Eve we learn a lot about women and their role through Eve. She was the final, astounding work of God. She filled a place in the world that no one else can fill. As I keep reading I began to understand myself as a woman and the longings and desires of my heart started to make sense through Eve. God gave us Eve because He wanted to reveal something about himself. We are very different from men in that we tend to care more about relationships than anything else. We define ourselves by our relationships and the quality we deem those relationships to have. "I am a mother, daughter, sister, friend...or I am alone, I'm not seeing anyone right now, or my children aren't calling." Does any of this sound familiar? It is so easy and of our nature to be plagued by loneliness and if we aren't pleased by our relationships we are affected from the inside out. The definition we place upon relationships tells us a lot about God. The vast desire a woman has for intimate relationships tells us of God's vast desire for intimate relationships. This may be the most important thing we will ever learn about God- He yearns for a relationship with us.

"Now this is eternal life; that they may know you, the only true God." -John 17:3

The bible is God's love story for us. He cares so much about us and has a tender heart. He longs to share a life of beauty, intimacy, and adventure with us. "I have loved you with an everlasting love." -Jer. 31:3

One thing we can learn from ourselves as women is God wants to be loved; to be a priority to someone. Can you hear God saying "Why won't you choose me?" He says we will find Him if we seek Him with ALL of our heart - Jer 29:13. In other words this means "Look for me, pursue me- I want you to pursue me." God waits to be wanted. Do you feel these same feelings? A woman longs to be sought after, too, with the whole heart of her pursuer. To be desired. Sometimes people look at these feelings as a weakness or insecurity on the part of a woman but that deep yearning to be desired is the same way God feels. So when you find yourself feeling lonely or desiring to be sought after, know that God desires this from you!

So when God created Eve he endowed women with certain qualities that are essential to relationship, qualities that speak of God...tender and inviting; intimate and alluring; fiercely devoted; passionate; romantic heart; she embodies mercy.

The novel Wild at Heart states "The reason a woman wants a beauty to unveil, the reason she asks, Do you delight in me? is simply that God does as well. God is captivating beauty. As David prays, "One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek...that I may...gaze upon the beauty of the Lord" Psalm 27:4. Can there be any doubt that God wants to be worshipped? That He wants to be seen, and for us to be captivated by what we see?"

May God strengthen your heart and know that every one of you are a beautiful creation of God! You are His Masterpiece!! =)

The Cause 828

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” –Romans 8:28

Last night I had the most incredible opportunity to share my heart with our new young adult ministry at Calvary Church, The Cause 828! I believe God is truly speaking to our generation and I am so excited to see where he is going to take us.

I look around. I see a world crying out for help; a world that is hurting, a world that is broken, a world that is stricken with poverty and disease, a world that doesn’t even know what love is.

I don’t understand and inside of me, my heart screams in anger.

I feel responsible for all this I see. This hurt. This pain. This disease. I question, “Why God?” “Why?”

I know you see the tears, the pain, the starving tummies, the scaphoid bellies, the absence of nutrition, the orphan that longs to be loved.

God I know you see the young teenage girl who has no hope, no self-worth; the girl who knows nothing else other than rape.

I know you see the babies that lie in cribs with no identity, found in a dumpster, unwanted.

I know you see the mother who tries to live on less than a dollar a day; the mother who will go weeks without eating so that her children can have a small plate of food.

I know you see that malnourished little boy as he stands with an empty bucket, begging for a drop of clean water.

I know you long for someone to take a stand. To be the cause. To be the remedy for this broken world.

Lord, where there is an absence of Love, I want to be the change!

I want to be the cause that stops hunger, that changes poverty, that fights disease!

I want to be the cause that loves the unlovable and brings hope to the hopeless.

I want to look into the eyes of the broken and say, “You have purpose.”

I want to love like you love and give like you give.

God help me to see with your eyes and love with your hands.

Let the details of my life work together to fulfill your purpose.

I will take a stand. I will be the cause. I will be a vessel. I will be the change.

A Perfect Love

The GREAT love of Christ.

I have been reading 1 John lately and I am overwhelmed by the great love of Christ. We cannot comprehend His love; no matter how hard we try to wrap our mind around it, we will never fully understand.

"We know what real love is because Jesus gave up His life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion- How can God's love be in that person?"

REAL love is an action, not a feeling. It produces selfless, sacrificial giving. The greatest act of love is giving oneself for others; it is sacrifice. We must put others needs and desires above our own. You may ask, "How do we give up our lives for others?" It all begins with helping those in need.

"No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us and His love is brought to full expression within us." -1 John 4:12

I know that for myself, I want others to know me by my love. I want to love others just as Christ loves me. I want to passionately meet the needs of others. When we love others, the invisible God reveals himself to others through us, and His love is made complete. Isn't that incredible to know that God is making is love complete through us?

"Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced His perfect love. We love each other because He loved us first. " - 1 John 4:18

God's love is perfect and will quiet your fears and give you confidence. We know that He loves us perfectly (Romans 8:38, 39). We can resolve all of our fears by first focusing on this perfect love for us and then allowing him to love others through us. God's love is the source of all human love and it spreads like fire. In loving His children, God kindles a flame in our hearts, in turn we love others who are warmed by the love of Christ through us. What a love!

The Widow at Zarephath

In my time this morning I was reading from 1 Kings 17 where I read a beautiful story about faith and miracles.

8 Then the Lord said to Elijah, ⁹ “Go and live in the village of Zarephath, near the city of Sidon. I have instructed a widow there to feed you.”

¹⁰ So he went to Zarephath. As he arrived at the gates of the village, he saw a widow gathering sticks, and he asked her, “Would you please bring me a little water in a cup?”¹¹ As she was going to get it, he called to her, “Bring me a bite of bread, too.”

¹² But she said, “I swear by the Lord your God that I don’t have a single piece of bread in the house. And I have only a handful of flour left in the jar and a little cooking oil in the bottom of the jug. I was just gathering a few sticks to cook this last meal, and then my son and I will die.”

¹³ But Elijah said to her, “Don’t be afraid! Go ahead and do just what you’ve said, but make a little bread for me first. Then use what’s left to prepare a meal for yourself and your son. ¹⁴ For this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: There will always be flour and olive oil left in your containers until the time when the Lord sends rain and the crops grow again!”

¹⁵ So she did as Elijah said, and she and Elijah and her son continued to eat for many days. ¹⁶ There was always enough flour and olive oil left in the containers, just as the Lord had promised through Elijah.

¹⁷ Some time later the woman’s son became sick. He grew worse and worse, and finally he died. ¹⁸ Then she said to Elijah, “O man of God, what have you done to me? Have you come here to point out my sins and kill my son?”

¹⁹ But Elijah replied, “Give me your son.” And he took the child’s body from her arms, carried him up the stairs to the room where he was staying, and laid the body on his bed. ²⁰ Then Elijah cried out to the Lord, “O Lord my God, why have you brought tragedy to this widow who has opened her home to me, causing her son to die?”

²¹ And he stretched himself out over the child three times and cried out to the Lord, “O Lord my God, please let this child’s life return to him.” ²² The Lord heard Elijah’s prayer, and the life of the child returned, and he revived! ²³ Then Elijah brought him down from the upper room and gave him to his mother. “Look!” he said. “Your son is alive!”

²⁴ Then the woman told Elijah, “Now I know for sure that you are a man of God, and that the Lord truly speaks through you.”

Immediately, when I read this story my mind and thoughts were turned to Haiti and how the beauty of Christ was manifested in the people there. At the end of each day in Haiti, we would debrief and our team leader would ask us "How did you see Christ today?" This question penetrated our hearts and allowed us to discover the divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing love of Christ. The widow in 1 Kings reminds me of a vivid story in city Soleil I want to share.

On the day that we distributed 10,000 gallons of clean water to the poorest slum in the Western Hemisphere, I was broken by the sights that I saw but strengthen and amazed at one woman's faith. While the water truck was desperately filling up bucket after bucket with water, I was off to the side helping children place the buckets on top of their head; these little, bitty bodies, suffering from dehydration, carrying huge buckets of water...AMAZING! I honestly could barely lift the bucket, it was THAT heavy. As I was lifting bucket after bucket after bucket, one small little girl, about 7 years old, grabbed my hand and pulled it to grab onto her bucket. I thought she wanted me to help her put it on her head but she wanted me to help carry it to her house down deep in the slum. I was hesitant and didn't know if that would be ok for safety issues but she grabbed the other side and started to walk. I had to stop her and try to speak with my hands explaining I couldn't go. She desperately pleaded with me. She even had a tear begging me to help her. This was her only bucket of water and she needed to get it back to her house for her mother and siblings. My heart hurt. I felt God tugging at my heart to help this little girl. I proceeded to grab one of the guys off my team to go with me and cleared it with my team leader as we made the journey deep into the slum where this sweet little girl lived. The expression on her face showed extreme excitement within that I was going to help her carry her bucket of water With her on one side, we carried this bucket very carefully to her home, trying not to splash even one drop, for every drop of water was precious because this was all the water her and her family would have for the next few days. Try to imagine. I remember my walk through city Soleil very vividly. It was one of the most shocking and eye-opening times on my trip. The smell was almost unbearable. The houses were made of sticks and trash plastered together. The floor of the homes was dirt and it was damp. When we reached the little girls home, she ushered me inside where I was broken beyond words. "Her and her family really live in this?" are the thoughts that raced through my mind. Inside, it was filthy, damp, musty, full of mosquitos, and the only thing they had was a lawn chair off to the side in a corner. To the side, when I walked in, her mother was laying on the damp, dirt floor of their home, sleeping with a stone rock as a pillow. In that moment, I actually felt guilty of having a bed back home. The sweet girl was so excited to show off her home; she was so thankful she had somewhere to live and a bucket of water. I stayed for a minute and then gave hugs and went walking back through the slums to where my team was. As I passed one house, a mother came running from it with a big smile on her face. She was trying to tell me something but I couldn't understand the language. She began to motion with her hands and I instantly knew what she was wanting. She wanted to feed us. As I looked at her and her house and the slum that she was living in, I knew she could barely feed herself and she wanted to feed us. I was amazed at this lady's faith and her desire to give what little she had away. She was so thin and frail. I am sure she had 3 or 4 kids as they followed right behind her. The smile on her face I will never forget and the love out of her heart she was showing. She was so grateful of what we were doing and the water we were delivering.

I didn't learn much about this lady but from the conditions she was in, she could have been preparing her last meal. I saw this lady's faith in the Widow of 1 Kings 17. When the widow at Zarephath met Elijah, she thought she was preparing her last meal. But a simple act of faith produced a miracle. She trusted Elijah and gave all she had to eat to him. She knew that her and her son would die because that was all the food they had. But it was her Faith that changed everyting.

"Faith is the step between PROMISE and ASSURANCE." Miracles seem so far out of reach for our feeble faith. But every miracle large or small, begins with an act of obedience. We may not see the solution until we take the first step of faith. We serve a miracle-producing God and if we would just have the faith, we would see our miracle. I know that I want to have the faith of this lady I met in Haiti; the no question type of faith. Instead of saying "I can't give that God. That is the last $5 I have." I want to say, "God, I trust you and I take a step of faith giving all I have." Trust God to take care of your situation and know that He is in control of all things and so much bigger that our problems!

Buckets of Water

What would you do for a bucket of clean water?

As I sit here writing this blog, I stare at the glass of clean water that is sitting in front of me. Every time I pick it up to take a drink, I am reminded of how blessed I am to have a clean, purified cup of water. All I had to do was walk to my refrigerator, open the door, pull out my Brita pitcher (a purifying system all in one), grab a glass, and pour as much as I wanted. As much as I want? Really?? I can have as much water as I want? The faces of the people in Haiti run through my mind as these questions penetrate my heart. I think over my morning and how much water I use. I get up, go to the bathroom, wash my hands, take a shower (a hot shower might I add and for as long as I want), brush my teeth, pour me a glass of water to drink, make my breakfast, wash my dishes, start a load of laundry (in a machine that actually does all the work for me), wash my hands again, pour me a bottle of water for the road, and this is how much water I have already used and that is just within the two hours of my morning. We don’t even think of how vital and precious water is to our day; that thought never seems to cross our mind. The word “water” has so much value and we throw the word around as if it is nothing. Can I get another glass of water, please? And can I add to this that most of us don’t even like water. We think it is plain and boring so we have a soda instead or buy flavored sugar packets to mask the taste because we know that as our doctor says, you need to drink 8 cups of water a day for your health. I have been fighting these thoughts and images ever since I have returned back from Haiti a week ago. It has been so hard to pour myself a clean, pure glass of water and every time I do, I am praising God for it.

I want to share with each of you an incredible experience that God took me through while I was in Haiti and it all has to do with “water.” To give you a little background, according to Healing Haiti, only 30% of Haitians have access to clean drinking water and children die everyday from malnutrition due to the parasites that infest their drinking water causing them to have diarrhea and lose vital nutrients. The people living in these slums have no toilets, no running water, and no electricity. On Thursday, May 19, my team and I had the incredible opportunity to deliver 10,000 gallons of chlorinated water to Cite Soleil, the poorest slum in the western hemisphere. It all began by riding in the “Tap Tap” (the mode of transportaion in Haiti), the scariest ride of my life! Haha! We had so many people piled into the back of this truck while our driver took us through the tiniest street full of people, children, dogs, pigs, chickens, and goats. We almost didn’t make it through. I have never experienced anything like it before, but all in all it was a GREAT experience! While riding in the back of this truck, I noticed the true condition of Haiti, devastating poverty. The people and families that walked the streets had one mission on their mind, to go to the market with what little money they had and purchase the cheapest food they could to tide their bellies over. Normally, the meal consists of rice and beans; mainly because it is the cheapest thing and rice is a filler, it makes your belly feel full. I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was no schedule in Haiti. The people there know no different. Their day is like any other day, with one question, am I going to be able to eat today? Will I have just enough money to feed my children? Here in the US we don’t suffer from starvation but we suffer from chronic stress because we fill our day to the max; we have places to go, people to see, things to do, hobbies to make, Starbuck’s coffee to drink, and we never have time to stop and think, “Wow, I am blessed! I don’t have to worry about having food to eat (if I don’t cook, no worries, there is a drive-thru down the street).” Even though at times we think we are without, we are never without. The people in Haiti go without everyday. While we finish our dinner, there is a hungry tummy that goes to bed every night without food and water. This little hungry belly is what drives me to action.

As we entered the slums in Cite Soleil, the smells of trash, urine, stool, disease, filled the air; contaminated water was evident everywhere. The driver of the water truck blew his horn. Try to imagine this for a second, hundreds of little, malnourished, disease-stricken bodies running with every ounce of energy they had, holding in their hands an empty bucket. They knew the water truck had arrived and they could finally have something to drink. I could not believe what I was seeing. The people came from everywhere, bucket after bucket in hand, for clean water. I stepped down from the “tap-tap” and the scene was so overwhelming I had to turn my face and catch my breath as I cried and cried. I had never seen poverty before like I saw it that day in Cite Soleil. I wish I could describe every vivid detail to each of you reading this but there are not enough words. My friend from Healing Haiti came and put his hand on my shoulder and asked if I was ok. I couldn’t hold back my tears. He told me, "Lauren, God is calling you. He is breaking your heart for what breaks His." Children began to run up to me and reached for my hand. They were starving for attention, for love, for a life beyond the poverty they were trapped in. Each child was lucky if he or she had on clothes; a lot of them ran around naked, with no shoes, filthy. I picked up one sweet little girl and held her in my arms. As I placed my hand on her chest, it was like pressing on bubble wrap. Her lungs were filled with mucous and her back was broken out with some kind of infection. She looked me in the eyes and touched my face with a big smile. On the outside she carried a smile but on the inside she was screaming for help. I tried to hold back my tears but I couldn’t. They fell and as they fell the little girl I was holding tried to catch each one. It was sweetest, most life-altering moment. After I loved on some children, my attention was turned back to the line of people with their buckets. We grabbed the huge hose of water and one by one we filled the buckets. As I was filling the buckets I prayed for God to fill me up, just like we filled this water truck, so that I can pour out to these people. “Lord, I want to be a vessel that you can use; fill me up so that I can pour out.” The people fought for their place in line, this bucket of water is what would keep them alive for a few more days. What would you do if you had ONE bucket of water for an entire week and that was it? How would you use it? How would you have to alter your life?

Over to the side, as I took a break from the hose, I helped each little child place the bucket of water on tope of their head so that they could take it home. It was amazing. That bucket of water probably weighed at least 40 lbs and these small children were carrying it on their head. One little girl grabbed me by the hand and put my hand on her bucket of water. She wanted me to carry it to her house. I grabbed a team member and we walked together back through the slum to this little girls house. This house was made of sticks. Trash was plastered on the sides to cover up any small little holes. The smell was unbearable. She invited me in and as I stepped inside, the floor was dirt and I was standing in water. She took me to her little corner where she slept and again I had to fight tears like never before. This heavy feeling came over my chest, almost like I couldn't breath. "You really sleep there?" I thought in my mind. She had no bed; just a dirt floor, a small blanket, and a stone rock for a pillow. In this moment I wanted to give everything I had away. I wanted to take each little child home with me and let them sleep in a nice, warm, clean, comfortable bed. I was broken beyond words.

I saw so many more things that day, which I will continue to write about, but I pray that each word here penetrates your heart and gives you a longing desire to DO something.

James 1:27 "Pure and Genuine religion in the sight of God the father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt."

Isaiah 6:8 "Then I heard the Lord asking, 'Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for me?' I said, Here I am...Send me!"

Isaiah 1:17 "Learn to do good. Seek Justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans. Fight for the rights of widows."

Isaiah 61 "The spirit of the sovereign Lord is upon me, for the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to comfort the broken-hearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed."

Finding Strength in the Midst of Tragedy

Are they just a number?

It has been almost a week since I have been back from Haiti and it has been an emotional rollercoaster. Each day I wake up and with each memory I hold onto, I still try to process it all. Here, I want to begin by re-telling some of the life-changing stories that happened while in Haiti.

At the beginning of the week, my team and I experienced a traumatic passing of an infant that cut down deep within me but changed my life forever. Bear with me as I try to vividly re-tell the story. On Monday, we had the opportunity to visit a home for dying and abandoned babies. When I first heard of this home, I was so excited and I couldn’t wait to go and hold, feed, and bathe babies, but I did not fully understand the heart-wrenching sights that I was about to see. When we arrived and I stepped foot into this home, my heart immediately dropped and I fought tears like never before. Wiping my face with the sleeve of my arm, I made my way down the stairs and before me were rows and rows of cribs filled with sick and dying infants. I cannot express to you in words how many there were; row after row and room after room. As I looked, these infants didn’t even seem to have an identity; their bed was labeled with a number. As I tried to process this scene, my mind began to think, “Are theses infants just a number here?? Is this real??” Inside, my heart was screaming as I looked at each infant. Even though they couldn’t’ understand, I told them, you matter. You are not just a number to Christ. He cares for you. He knew you even before you were formed in your mother’s womb. He loves you so much. This pain will end soon. Hold on little one. I was angry and I couldn’t believe my eyes. I walked through the row of cribs and touched each tiny little hand that reached out for me, starving for love, and begging me to pick them up. I immediately scooped up a sweet baby girl and as soon as she was in my arms, she stopped crying and her head laid on my chest. Again, I fought tears. I looked at her face to find that she had a severe eye infection. It was oozing and she looked as if she was in a lot of pain. She felt warm to touch and I’m sure was suffering from an infection that her little body couldn’t fight. In my mind, I began to think back to my hospital at home and the place where I would work. If I were to hold an infant like this in the states I would be gowned, gloved, and with a facemask on for protection from any type of disease, but with this little girl in my arms, I didn’t care. I stroked her head as she laid on my chest. I went to the side room and prayed over her as two of my other teammates gathered around with their sweet infants. Tears fell. My heart was broken and I couldn’t understand. Time passed and I held this little girl, trying to get every spoonful of food I could down here; her belly was huge (protein deficiency) but her arms and legs were so skinny; she was greatly malnourished. It was time for their nap around noon and as I placed her back in her crib, she cried and cried. I picked her back up and she stopped, as peaceful as she could be as long as she was in the warmth of my arms. I had to put her down, telling myself that I could get her again after her nap. We left the room and let the children sleep while we visited another orphanage for a few hours.

Around 3pm, we returned. I went right to the same bed of my sweet little girl and as she reached for me, I scooped her up once again. I held her in my arms as I went to all the other cribs and touched their sweet, fragile, little hands and over each child I said a prayer. Within a few minutes a scene across the room caught my attention; a young mother was sobbing as she stroked her sweet babies face that lay so helpless in crib #14. I immediately noticed that this infant was on oxygen (a very ancient and rustic machine) and as I processed the scene, “Crib #14…this child looks familiar. I think we were holding her earlier,” I knew smoothing we was not right. I scanned the infant. So helpless, she laid in the crib gasping for air. She was so desperately trying to breath from her mouth as a nasal canula was pushed up her nose. My attention kept going back to the mother as she sobbed and sobbed trying to get the attention of one of the nanny’s. They kept shoving her away and telling her to just express her breast milk. The mother was holding a small medicine cup and as tears fell from her eyes, she tried to express any drop of milk that she could from each breast. My heart hurt. I wanted to run over to that mother and hold her in my arms. I wanted so desperately to comfort her but the language barrier made it hard for me to do that. Although I couldn’t fully understand what she was saying, I read her body language. I wanted to speak up and assess this infant. I wanted to help, but I didn’t know if I really had the place to do that. There was a respiratory therapist on our team and I grabbed her asking her to look across the room at this baby. She immediately felt the same way; she knew something was desperately wrong. We watched for a few seconds as this baby was gasping and these nanny’s were pouring breast milk down this babies throat with a small medicine cup. My heart screamed, “What are you doing?? This infant is going to aspirate. You have no idea what you are doing! STOP.” The baby then starts to foam at the mouth and her eyes froze open. This image is forever implanted in my mind. A nun comes down the stairs and goes into the back room where she begins to draw up some type of medicine. My heart told me, “Lauren, go talk to this lady.” I made my way over to her and said that I was a new Graduate Nurse and this baby needed immediate help. I was so surprised at her response. She spoke English and every word pleaded, “Please help me!” In that very moment, as I remember every emotion rush over me, I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. I had to stop myself and say, “Ok Lauren, you have just graduated from Nursing school. You are going to be a NICU nurse. You know what to do,” but everything within side of me didn’t. We had absolutely no resources to work with. Everything that this place had was donated, even the expired meds. I frantically searched that back room for anything only to find nothing. I made my way to the infants crib along with our respiratory therapist and team leader. I felt for a pulse…there was nothing. We started CPR on the sweet baby girl. This moment was so surreal. We are performing CPR on this infant, the mother is sobbing right next to us screaming words we can’t understand, and every infant in this home was crying. It was as if they knew what was going on, as if this was a daily occurrence and in their mind they were next. No matter how young they were, they knew the tragedy that was taking place in crib #14. My heart raced and I cannot express the sea of emotions I was in. After about 20 minutes of CPR, we continued to get no pulse. I knew there was nothing we could do. Even if this baby did start breathing again, we wouldn’t have any type of resources to keep her alive. I prayed knowing that this situation was out of my hands and God was in control of it all. “Lord, if this child is meant to live, You are going to have to do it.” Tear after tear fell from my eyes as we stopped CPR and this infant died before us. My two team members and I along with a pastor wrapped our arms around each other and prayed and even though we didn’t understand, we knew God was still God.

This was the hardest day of my life. Part of me was so angry and I couldn’t understand all the suffering that was going on in this home for dying and abandoned babies. Most of these infants would probably never make it out or get better. They would die there. Most were lost, abandoned, without an identity, and suffering from some horrible disease that even their caretakers couldn’t define. But at the end of the day, through this traumatic experience, I find joy and peace in the arms of my savior because no matter what, God is still God. I know God changed hearts and lives that day. The mother of the baby that died saw us praying over and fighting for her infant, something she has never felt or seen before. She saw us putting our full faith and trust in God. And through this, I know she found comfort and had an encounter with Christ.

That day, after we got back to the guesthouse and debriefed our day, I laid in bed and through tears I prayed over each little hand I touch and each infant I held. And in the beauty of it all I was reminded of God’s promises. I was comforted by his word. Here are some of the scriptures I read that night. Hope they are as encouraging to you as they were to me…

Psalm 30:5 Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

Psalm 37:39
 The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD; he is their stronghold in time of trouble

Psalm 46:1-2
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.

Psalm 48:14
For this God is our God for ever and ever; he will be our guide even to the end.

Psalm 55:22 
Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you;he will never let the righteous fall.

Psalm 71:20-21
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Psalm 138:7 
Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me.

This was the day that changed my life forever...

I am back but my HEART remains in Haiti...

As I sit down to write this post, tears fill my eyes as I think about Haiti. It has now been two days since I returned and even though I am back here physically, my heart and mind are still in Haiti. The past nine days of my life have changed my life forever. I have seen poverty in a whole new way. I have seen things that are heart-wrenching and at times I had to stop myself and ask, “Is this REAL? Is this really happening?? How can God let this happen to His children? Why God, Why? These people didn’t choose this life.” These questions bombarded my mind while in Haiti and as I fought through tears I prayed for understanding and that God would place within me a love that is so deep. I prayed and prayed for God to break my heart for what breaks His, and that He did. I know the things that I saw and the things I experienced break the heart of God as well. He hurts and this was not his intention for his children but it all goes back to the issue of sin and where it all began, in the Garden of Eden.

Last night, I sat in the hallway of my house, huddled down and surrounded by blankets, as the weather outside got really bad. The winds were blowing like crazy, golf ball size hail, and the tornado sirens were going off everywhere. The power went out and right now we still are without power. My first thoughts were, “OMG! It is so hot in here. I need to take a shower and do my hair. No power?? That means no coffee. What about all the food in the fridge?” but then I had to stop and think back to Haiti. And in that moment, I cried because here I am living a princess life while people around the world are starving, without a place to live, and have one bucket of clean water to last them an entire week. People in Haiti don’t rely on things such as electricity and most of them live without any at all. Right now, as I sit in my hot house, I praise God. I praise the Lord that I have a roof over my head, that He kept me safe last night, that I will always have food to eat, and that I have clean water to drink. We rely so much on things here in the US and take so much for granted.

Yesterday morning, I went on a long run and was amazed at how blessed I truly am. The streets were clean. I don’t think I saw one piece of trash. We have a garbage man. People in Haiti live on garbage-covered streets. Here, people seemed so peaceful as they sat on their front porch enjoying the beauty of the morning. People don’t even know what a front porch is in Haiti. And then I started to think of all the simple things in life I take for granted and don’t even think about. My mind went to thoughts such as, “As soon as I get back home, I will take a hot shower and won’t have to worry of running out.” In Haiti, clean water is hard to come by. People fight for just a bucket and a bucket of clean water doesn’t mean that it is safe to drink. And then I realized how much I was missing those garaged-covered streets and dusty, un-paved roads. There is something about taking yourself out of what makes you comfortable and putting yourself with people who live on less than $2 a day. It will make you thankful and think twice about getting that $4 Starbuck’s Drink. For me, I will never look at a class of cold, clean water the same. Every drink I take, I will make sure that I give all praise and glory to Christ because we are so blessed. Blessed beyond our own human comprehension.

As I continue to debrief my journey and settle myself back here in the states, I am going to blog on a few of the stories that changed my life forever. Read with me as I try to make my experiences as real as possible.

“And I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the lease of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me.” –Matthew 25:40